


Our Beautiful World

by KitsuneVen



Series: Haru yo Koi [3]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Epic Bromance, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Introspection, M/M, Realistic, Romance, Slow Burn, Unresolved Sexual Tension, World Figure Skating Championships, Yuzu misses Javi, knife shoes appreciation society
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-06 05:15:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17933543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitsuneVen/pseuds/KitsuneVen
Summary: Yuzuru Hanyu thinks about Javier Fernández as he prepares for Worlds 2019.





	Our Beautiful World

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It is not meant to represent any events or people in real life. Enjoy!

Yuzu falls on the fifth quad salchow attempt of the day, and bites back a string of curses in Japanese. His temper is short these days, his patience low. He tries to summon the image of Javi landing this jump in practice only a few weeks prior as he had prepared for the European Championships, but the image is already fading quickly in Yuzu’s mind. Underlying this is a constant hollow ache in Yuzu’s heart, painfully noting the absence of his long-time training mate and friend.

Yuzuru is lonely.

As he absently picks himself off the ice, he thinks back to a different time, just a few weeks ago—when Yuzu and his mother had had Javi over for dinner at their apartment.

There had been something incredibly intimate about having Javi at his place—a rare occasion indeed—chatting warmly with Yuzu’s mother, splashing things into the cheerfully bubbling hot pot, letting Yuzu have the last piece of meat. Javi had shown up to the dinner party on time, with a present in hand, an accented “ _Ojama shimasu”_ on his smiling lips as he had taken off his shoes without being asked. Yuzu had realized, with a start and a lurch to his stomach, that Javi had had three years of training as Miki Ando’s boyfriend. Of course he would know to do those things, even with Yuzu being characteristically absent-minded and forgetting to tell him.

It had been Yuzu’s mother’s idea, having Javi over for dinner. She had wanted to thank him for taking care of Yuzu all these years. It had been the week before Euros, and Yuzu’s mother had been intent on stuffing Javi full of food, the same way she usually hustled and worried over Yuzu before competitions.

Over dinner, Yuzu hadn’t been able to stop looking at Javi’s hands moving busily between the plate of raw ingredients and the hot pot. Unbeknownst to many, Javi actually has times of being endearingly calm or even passive, allowing Yuzu or someone else to take the lead. Other times, Javi is lit up from within —usually when he feels responsible for something, or passionate about something. Javi can sometimes noticeably animate and take on more of an active leadership role.

In Yuzu’s house, with Yuzu’s mother, Javi by all accounts should have been more passive. Yuzu imagined that Javi would have enjoyed the feeling of being cared for and fussed over by Yuzu’s mother. However, for reasons unbeknownst to Yuzu, Javi had been animated, talkative, and most of all, had insisted on helping put pieces of meat into the hotpot. It had felt like Javi had been _trying_ , albeit in that natural and easy way of his. It had been a bit mysterious. It had made Yuzu’s cheeks feel warm, which Yuzu had attributed to the steam from the hotpot.

An eternity ago, when Yuzu had performed his first Romeo and Juliet program, he had had no idea what love felt like. In fact, he had had no idea throughout _both_ iterations of his Romeo and Juliet programs, occurring several years apart. The secret was, even now, Yuzu wasn’t _sure_. But he was fairly certain it felt something like the click of Javi’s chopsticks as he gently set down another piece of cooked meat on Yuzu’s plate. And perhaps, it also felt like the reassuring and recurring warmth of Javi’s hands on the small of Yuzu’s back throughout that dinner. Or perhaps, it felt like the smile Javi had sent Yuzu’s mother’s way when he had helped her with the dishes, like a good boyfriend trying to impress the parents. Yuzu could’ve easily closed his eyes and _pretended_. It may have felt like the medium light timbre of Javi’s voice and the dark honey color of his hair. Or perhaps, like the smell of Javi’s shampoo and the freshly laundered scent of the starched shirt Javi only ever wore to banquets—and apparently also—to dinners at Yuzu’s house with Yuzu and his mom.

Oh boy. Yuzu had it bad. The more he tried to suppress it, the more he felt it.

He couldn’t deny that there was that possibility between them. There always had been.

Yuzu needs space.

Truth be told, Yuzu has been with a few people. It began when he turned 22, to blow off the nervous energy in the pre-Olympic period. Nothing of importance, but skating does afford some opportunities even a hermit like Yuzu can’t avoid altogether. And he has found these opportunities to be beneficial to his skating expression, as well as stress management. Being someone’s _lover_ , even if only for a night or two, has its benefits. Fame aside, Yuzu knows that he is a good lover, and he likes to think his lovers enjoy being with him. He knows he is passionate, considerate, and discrete. Yuzu has always been careful, and his rule is never more than twice. And never with feelings involved. There have not been that many opportunities, in any case, particularly after his pre-Olympics injury. These trysts had resumed after the chaos of the Olympics happened, and after the post-gold buzz had died down a bit, when Yuzu had needed to find ways to occupy his time again when he was not training. The past several months, there hasn’t been anyone, partly because of his re-injury and partly because Yuzu earnestly has not been able to figure out what is going on between Javi and himself.

Several weeks ago, Yuzu had allowed Javi to take him out to a nightclub. Yuzu had never told Javi explicitly, but Javi had probably known that this was the first time Yuzu had gotten even close to tipsy. Several drinks in, Yuzu had loosened up and drawn very close to Javi, who had kissed his cheek and then dipped his head of curls and nuzzled his face into Yuzu’s neck, eliciting a surprised laugh from Yuzu. Yuzu remembers the warm, pleasant bubbly sensation of alcohol in his stomach, the closeness of having to breathe into Javi’s ears to be heard over the loud bass of the nightclub, and the reciprocal warm breaths in his right ear and neck and the light tickle of Javi’s stubble making him giggle endlessly.

Then there had been the dance floor.

Yuzu had been no stranger to dancing at banquets for skating, but this had been a completely different atmosphere. At skating banquets, there had always been cameras and sponsors nearby, ready to ambush him with videos and questions should he let himself go too much. Here, in the dark anonymity of the nightclub, with his closest friend at his side, Yuzu had felt invincible. Yuzu had been the one to pull Javi to the dance floor – a relaxed Javi who had also been buzzed and slightly surprised by such an enthusiastic Yuzu. They had started dancing side by side, and then had somehow ended up dancing face to face, chest to chest. There may have been grinding involved-- _Western-style dancing_ , Javi had whispered breathlessly in his ear--a bit needlessly, in Yuzu's amused opinion. They had always had great chemistry, both on and off the ice. That night, they had discovered that this chemistry also extended to the dance floor.

Perhaps it also extends to something else too, but that topic is _off-limits._

Somehow, Yuzu’s arms had inevitably found their way around Javi’s neck, and Javi’s hands around Yuzu’s waist. Yuzu recalls the way Javi’s gentle hands had circled dangerously low, caressing down Yuzu's lower back, his waist, just barely brushing another part of Yuzu's body. It had felt anything but platonic.

Nothing about the entire interaction had been platonic, but they had pretended that it was.

So that they could continue doing it, without the awkwardness or the guilt. Because Javi belongs to someone else, and he is a _prince_ of a man, who would never betray her. Yuzu himself is _not_ a prince, despite what people call him – but he will never let Javi compromise his principles for him.

A fast song had followed, breaking the spell. This had led to a very drunken jumping battle between Yuzu and Javi to see who could jump higher. Being that they were both Olympic figure skaters – the best in the world at that, they were _very_ good at jumping high –they had soon gathered a crowd around them. Thankfully, they had had the presence of mind left not to attempt to rotate or engage in an off-ice quad battle, as this would have either resulted in injury ( _ankle,_ Yuzu winces in guilt) or them being recognized, both of which would have had serious consequences. As it was, their straight up jumping competition had led to more giggling, joking, laughing – rinse and repeat – until Javi had dropped a very giggly and happy Yuzu off in the arms of his strangely calm and smiling mother at the end of the night.

Yuzu had woken up the next day with the first hangover of his life. But it had been so worth it.

Yuzu is aware of the dull roar of white noise online about his message to Javi, immediately prior to the European Championships. He had been aware he was supposed to be in a media-quiet period, focusing all his energy on Worlds. For the first time in his career, he had gone against the advice of his publicity team and had sent out that self-made video message to Javi about his retirement. Because not chiming in _publicly_ on Javi’s retirement had simply not been an option, damn the consequences. “ _I’ll respect you forever._ ” – Yuzu had meant something else, but this had been close enough. As close as he had dared.

Javi’s participation in the documentary about him—released several days later after Javi’s victory and subsequent retirement – had been another roller coaster. Yuzu had felt a sense of intimacy and embarrassment watching Javi talk about their now famous Olympic hug and how Yuzu had blurted out “You are so bad!” after Javi had revealed his retirement plans to Yuzu. Yuzu wondered whether some would see through Yuzu’s exclamation for the flirtation that it had been – even in a time of deep consternation, he had been unable to help himself. The pull had been there. For some reason, Yuzu felt that Javi’s thoughts about his retirement revelation to Yuzu should have remained private. Hearing Javi talk about it in front of thousands of viewers had made Yuzu feel exposed.

They say that people enter your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. Javi had certainly entered his life for a season and a reason, but Yuzu wishes dearly their paths could have continued together longer. Yuzu is too young to know anything about lifetimes, but he does know he wishes Javi could have stayed by his side – for a very long time.

They each have their own paths to take. But.  

The longing is still unbearable sometimes.

Yuzuru still recalls the bluest sky he had ever seen, in Barcelona, the day before his free program at the Grand Prix Final in 2014. Their hotel had been right next to the arena where the rink was located, right by the sea. There had been a strip where runners and sightseers could walk along the water and look out over the horizon. Yuzu had found himself there, hoodie securely over his head to avoid being recognized, trying to blow off nervous energy before the next day’s performance. There had been a skateboarding park in the area, and some teenagers had been there. He had watching them roll up and down the ramp with the “clunks” of their skateboards, and he had wondered idly at the mechanics of it all. He had suddenly felt a warm hand on his shoulder and had turned to see Javi, hair slightly damp and freshly showered from practice, with an amused grin on his face. Javi had stepped forward and said something to one of the kids in Spanish, the fluid syllables rolling off his tongue like butter, sending a flutter of excitement through Yuzu’s chest.

Then, with the confidence of the professional athlete that he was, Javi had borrowed on one of the kids’ skateboards and rolled on it like it was his main sport, rather than figure skating. Yuzu had laughed, surprised, and had asked Javi to teach him. An entire afternoon had passed like that, just them messing around on the skateboards. Yuzu hadn’t had so much fun since playing baseball as a kid.

Late in the afternoon after the skateboarders had gone home, Yuzu and Javi had collapsed down together on a bench overlooking the ocean. Yuzu had lain his head on Javi’s shoulder, and Javi had naturally let him.

Yuzu had never expected otherwise.

The salty sea breeze had rolled in soft waves over the cooling sweat on Yuzu’s face, rustling his dampened hair. Yuzu had closed his eyes, Javi’s shampoo scent filling his nostrils, Javi’s shoulder solid under his cheek, Javi’s soft voice in his ears as they had talked about nothing and everything. Yuzu had wondered whether this was what others called happiness, trying to bottle the feeling. Javi had put a hand down gently on Yuzu’s knee, a casual gesture.  

“Your skating is beautiful. It was worth getting here, if only so I can share the ice with you.”

It had been so cheesy—Yuzu smiles ruefully—only Javi could have pulled it off. It had felt like a confession. Perhaps it was. Yuzu will never know for sure. 

The setting sun had created a halo around Javi's head, as Yuzu had blearily lifted his head to look deeply into Javi’s softly smiling face. Javi’s hair had been partially illuminated by the twilight rays, the sea breeze creating an atmosphere of anticipation around them. Yuzu shivered from the sudden drop in temperature, even as he could feel his own expression lighting into an irresistible smile to mirror Javi’s. They were both stalling, running from the crash back to reality. They were both getting texts on their cell phones, no doubt team members wondering where they were. Yuzu had felt brave, powerful, invincible, in that frozen moment in time with Javi.  

There are several defining moments in Yuzu’s life, and this was definitely one of them. Yuzu had mentally stored it away as a source of strength. Slowly, before Yuzu had realized it, Javi _had_ become the source of beauty behind Yuzu’s skating. When Yuzu felt Javi’s eyes on him, he could do anything. With Javi’s existence in his life, Yuzu had forged his core of steel – a foundation which inevitably supported Yuzu through everything.

Javi had given him the wings to fly.

It had made perfect sense, that Yuzu had won the gold medal in Barcelona that next day.

Flash forward to his post-Olympic interview in PyeongChang, when Yuzu had told the reporters something along the lines of – “Javi makes the hard training of figure skating bearable for me.” It wasn’t just Javi’s physical presence on the ice beside him– it was his spirit, his heart, it was all of him. It was the part of Javi which will never change no matter what happens in the outside world. It was a part of Javi which would never belong to anyone else – because it had already been claimed by Yuzu in the twilight on that Barcelona seaside bench.

It was a part of Javi which would be fiercely locked inside Yuzu’s heart, forever.

And here they are still, years later. Several relationships later on Javi’s part. More than several lovers later on Yuzu’s part. From the boys that they were, to the men they are now.

The razor thin _shhhh-pahhh_ of Yuzu’s blade hits the ice as he _finally_ lands his quad salchow. He arches his back powerfully and extends his free leg gracefully. In his mind, the image of himself and the image of Javi landing this jump are superimposed onto each other. Javi’s wistful and encouraging smile from that day in Barcelona against the violet-golden sky is emblazoned onto Yuzu’s mind, blurry around the edges.

This is just of the many ways in which the ghost of Javi’s skating haunts Yuzu’s skating. Yuzu embraces it, sensually, like an old friend with an open heart.

The heart which will always be open to Javi, and Javi alone.

Yuzu keeps these feelings close, in the secret place deep inside of himself.

He doesn’t mind if people can see part of it, though, even if they can’t grasp the full depth of what it means. He wishes more people would see what they have been able to create together, on this ice. The source of Yuzu’s strength. Yuzu thinks it should be obvious to the world. _Let them_ see it.

His lips pull back in the fierce smile of a champion, and his ears register clapping in the background, as well as a few friendly hoots of “Go, Yuzu!”

And Yuzu thinks – _of course_ – the only person he wouldn’t mind losing to is Javi. And that is no longer an option – Javi is gone now. So.

His quad strategy is in place. He will be ready for Worlds.

**Author's Note:**

> I have nothing to say. This fic wrote itself. I had very little control over its contents. Well, that is not true, but Javi and Yuzu definitely dictated how this fic was going to go. So there you have it. T_T 
> 
> But this is not the end. It can’t be the end for them.
> 
> Funny thing -- I took a trip down to Barcelona recently and there actually is a skateboard park in the venue in Barcelona where GPF 2014 was held. And the venue is actually by the seaside, with benches. And it was a beautiful area - blue skies, blue sea. I just kept thinking about how Javi and Yuzu would probably have wanted to escape to the seaside to get away a bit from the stress of the event. So that's kind of where that last scene sprung from. 
> 
> As requested:  
> Link to Yuzu documentary where Javi talks about their Olympic moment: [here](https://4yuzuru.blogspot.com/2019/02/eng-subs-yuzuru-hanyu-nhk-documentary.html?m=1).  
> Link to Yuzu's message to Javi for his retirement: [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oA6o8uZ7HFY)


End file.
